Last night was one of the best nights in my life... I finally finally FINALLY got my hands on Gran Turismo 4 - The Real Driving Simulator by Polyphony Digital. By far this has got to be one of the best driving simulators I’ve ever got my hands on. They have literally squeezed every ounce of processing power the PS2 can belch out. Awesome graphics, Awesome game play, Awesome cars, Awesome tracks, AWESOME FRIKIN GAME. I was so frikin happy yesterday that I almost cried tears of joy. I have been searching for this game for almost a year and last night the search was over. Been gaming like an addict today morning. Had a sweet 3 hour session in the morning commencing 05:30 and winding up at 08:30... I coulda kept at it but I had to come to work. Vilas buddie, I'ma gonna practice like crazie man and then when you get down here, we WILL do the endurance races for sure. I still can't get over the fact that I actually own my very own copy of GT4. It was quite accidental when I think about it. I was treading along with someone (secret) just skimping around tryin to do something different and we causally waltzed into this electronics shop at Malad called Croma. She was looking around at cellulars whilst I went gaga over music systems. I stumbled upon the Sony PS2 section and saw a couple of titles priced at Rs. 1499 onwards. I thought that if I ever saw GT4 priced that high I’d be heartbroken for sure. Then it appeared! Snuggled at the last row, hidden under shelves of highly priced titles, nestled in almost total darkness and showing signs of collecting dust – she stared at me. I lost my breath! – I couldn’t think, I couldn’t hear, it was like just GT4 and me – nothing else! That was the moment. Lasted for 5 seconds before I yelled my ass off when I realized that she was priced at a comfy Rs.999/-. I was in 2 minds whether Delton had already purchased GT4 because he said that he was going to buy the title. I took a risk and purchased it. Finally when I got possession of the title I rushed back to the counter where I had purchased it and played it for a bit. Felt so firkin good. I was so high that I actually bored my pillion’s views and thoughts to oblivion with my GT4 talks and jargon. I’m sorry hun but I was just so happy and it’s all thanks to you that I got my hands on something I’ve been waiting for, for such a long time. Anyways I flicked my brothers PS2 and then gamed today morning. The satisfaction I feel right now is indescribable. Feels good… Feels so frikin good… Feels wonderful… swweeeeeeeeeetttttttttttt!!! =D

I thought I was strong, but alas I got slapped with reality all too soon as my cheeks were paved with my emotions. I tried so hard to control myself but failed. How did I fail? How did I fall? I hate this… it’s just too painful to see me fall. Need to pickup and take off soon or else I’ll be there for a while. Can’t remember the last time I broke down like this. Thought it would never happen again. I don’t feel completely broken though, because I had comfort with me through my trying hour. Came from the most unlikely place. Came in its truest sense. Came and calmed my troubled soul. In that embrace there was so much of joy yet for every ounce of joy I received there was an equal amount of sorrow that followed. I don’t even know what broke me down in the first place. Was it the truth? Was it just reality? Was it both? For the first time in my life I felt pain and joy together at the same place. I can’t describe it, nor explain it. But pushing aside the sorrow, I can surely say that what I felt was bliss in all it’s glory. An experience never to be forgotten.

On the flip side, I feel my thinkig has matured in a few ways. Have been looking at things in a different light, a new POV one may say. Perception of a situation in different lights is quite interesting in a way. Gives me a better outlook of how I can alter my thoughts. I’ve been too rigid with things and situations. I feel like branching out and exploring my various characteristics as a person. Going to focus on new directions, new possibilities, new opportunities, new situations, new emotions, new feelings and new challenges. I will venture out into the unknown, not because I want to overcome my fear but because I want to know and learn something new. Yes I may stumble and fall but picking up from where I left off is a challenge. Yes I may not understand what I’ll be getting myself into, but nevertheless I am ready to take on whatever comes my way. You never know what awaits you on the other side if you don’t go there to find out. I never knew how good it felt to earn my own money, I got a job and found out – it felt really good. I never knew what it felt like to be yelled at, when I goofed up, I confessed and I got what I deserved – I felt really bad. I never understood the whole relationship angle, got into 3 relationships and found out so many things – I felt joy, sorrow, peace and most of all LOVE. Life is teaching me all this and so much more. I’ve been rigid in not opening and embracing these lessons and experiences. I’ve realized that now and so welcome it. Yes life may hurt me as well, but life also teaches me how to take care of myself.

Instead of attain equilibrium I’ve managed to attain delirium at this point in my life. I’ve become so delirious that I am unable to keep a stable head on my shoulder. Just got barraged with so many ordeals in my life that I actually am quite lost. I’ve been starring at not only the big picture but at all the pictures that can be put up onto that BIG WALL. While everyone’s looking at Big Pictures, I have been looking at the BIG WALL. There’s so much I want to achieve in my life and there’s so much I need to do NOW. Friends tell me that it’s ok, you still have time. Time??? There’s never enough TIME. I’ve already wasted so much of my TIME on pondering over senseless and baseless situations and events. All I can do now is to improvise on the situation I’ve got myself into currently. I’ve been giving due consideration to a lot of stuff with respect to my career and job. Well for starters I’m glad that I’ve got an income to sustain my level of existence, but this again is only a momentary thing. Eventually the income I draw today isn’t going to suffice for tomorrow’s needs (screw the wants). Bottom line is I need to start. Guess I’ve already started. What next? That’s where my dilemma arises.

These thoughts above were exactly what ran through my brains for an entire day, which apparently didn’t seem like it was going to end. I then kinda just head out for some fresh air to clear my head of these thoughts before I lost all control of sanity. Not that I am going to let go of these thoughts at all, I just needed a break. Sometimes I truly tax myself to the core. I resent putting myself through these kind of phases but nevertheless if I don’t then I tend to loose focus of my prime objectives – that being INDEPENDENT and a SUCCESSFUL PROVIDER (in all aspects).