What am i doing? Why am i doing what i do?... >=(

2006 ended, and the beginning of 2007 was one of the best New Years ever. I've never felt so nice and happy in quite a long time and it was all because of the person you see in this picture. Rice I ____ YOU!!! Happy New Year.

There are so many questions that I wanted to be answered in the past, but they were not answered. Later on in life they get answered and you say, well you got the answer to your question, are you not happy now? I ask you, why now and not then? What is the point in having an ice-cream that has already melted? Why am I getting these questions in my head now? I mean all this while nothing bothered me. But now everything is surfacing to me all at once. In all honesty I have become weak emotionally. Tears come to me in an instant. I feel like I have entered into a depression zone. I hate this place. The one who wiped my tears apparently has gone adrift. If you say that you need to pick yourself up and make the walk alone. Well then fuck you and your view. It’s easier said than done, if you put yourself in my shoes. Be a little more sensitive to other people’s feelings.

Now I have no firkin clue as to why I had these lines in my head last night???

Dear Blog. Last night was really, really special to me. For once I was able to over come my fear and confess my deepest feelings (which I have been hiding for a very long time), truly and openly to a very dear and special friend. I don’t know how things would be from now on between my friend and me but I just hope that we can still be the same two best and close friends, and share what we share with each other hereafter. There is so much more I wish I could tell my friend and so much more I want to share but fear that my friend may see it otherwise, even though I did make things clear. I haven’t spoken to my friend in the past 9 hours. Maybe I am just being paranoid. I don’t know. But all I can say is that yesterday was one of the most, happiest days of my life and I will never forget that day and the sequence of events that happened as the day unfolded. I would like to say Thank You to God for giving me a day as special as yesterday and pray that I do see brighter days henceforth… with my new close, best, sweet and NICE friend =) With all my heart, Dennie!

(singing)On the first day of Christmas,my true love sent to me. A partridge in a pear tree =)

Thoughts - Confusing. Weird. Disturbing. Perplexing. Want to make them stop. Yet unable to do so. Feelings - Restless. Sadness. Pain. Discomfort. Want to feel better. Yet unable to do so.

BTW - Got a job.

I’m a little disturbed right now as I put this post up. I stepped into the house at about 00:35 and it’s like 01:03 and I am unable to sleep. Saw a terrible, terrible accident between a 6 wheeler truck, an autorickshaw and a car that was completely unrecognizable. My best guess is that it was a purple Fiat Palio. The car was crushed into almost half its size. I was too afraid to look at anything else because apparently the bodies from the whole Carter Road incident gripped my thoughts. And I know there was definitely going to be casualties; I mean the firkin 6 wheeler was a mess by itself. The rickshaw apparently didn’t get as badly damaged as the car. As I passed by the wreckage I could smell diesel and petrol. There were small pieces of glass all over the place. I think the media had got to the scene, will probably check the tabloids tomorrow. I hope no one was hurt. As I rode back home I only thought about how short life can be for anyone. I almost got clipped by an asshole speeding around in his Toyota Corolla a little later on. So the whole accident incident and the whole Corolla idiot, almost sending me on a one way ticket to hell/heaven, made me realize everything can change in a moment. I was just thinking (I know I shouldn’t be) if that Corolla guy had to clip me, if my life had to end tonight – pretty scary thought. Well its incidents like this that make me ride more safely. For all of you guys and girls who think speed thrills – wish you could have seen what I saw at Carter Road that night and tonight. Think about it, SERIOUSLY. Oh in addition to which if there is anything that you need to do or say then don’t wait. I know I have already told all of my friends what they mean to me, but incase they have forgotten then they will know it all over again this Christmas.

Hmmm… chatting… I don’t understand a few things about chatting, especially when it comes to women. A few of them that I chat with come across as very talkative (actually most of them are… lol). Anyways I chat (via the internet) with them occasionally and it is quite amazing. I simply do not get it… Check out this conversation I had with one such woman.

[11:25] outkast_ryder: good... so what are you up too??? Listen if you wanna get a date for the Christmas party then please be my guest...
[11:25] sweetprincess_002002: no re
[11:26] sweetprincess_002002: I don’t ve ny1 :(
[11:26] outkast_ryder: well then get lucky... you are a woman, so use that God given advantage
[11:26] sweetprincess_002002: matlab??
[11:27] outkast_ryder: whatever you wanna make of it... and please type more instead of one question answers... :@
[11:28] sweetprincess_002002: I didn’t get what do u want to say...
[11:28] outkast_ryder: oh Christ... I give up :(

I always have these long sentences and they always seem to have weird one question answers to everything. Even the most, simplest question leaves them perplexed. I wonder why they do what they do. Well guess that’s why people say that God’s creations are amazingly surprising.

I am turning over a new leaf in my life. Just gonna be a better person, better friend, better human being. There’s a car exhibition at BKC (Bandra Kurla Complex). Amazing cars on display! I never thought that I would come close to a Lamborghini Gallardo, well guess again. I clearly remember the way I paused in the moment when my eyes fell upon so divine a sight. In addition to which there were alotta sweet rides. Will be going with a couple of friends on Sunday for the exhibition again to get some pics. Once I have them I’ll put them up on the site. I am planning a little Christmas party with friends and the road ahead, on that front, looks really bright. Hope everything turns out well. Can’t wait for Christmas.

How do I tell you?
My true feelings inside,
It bothers me so much,
And so I make them hide.

I wanna come to you,
And tell you my fears,
But now I feel that,
You won’t understand my tears.

Maybe I’ll tell you,
To hold me close,
Maybe I want you to say,
I do where no one else knows.

I’ve realized that things change,
Even though they lie on the ground,
Like a small round pebble,
That you keep throwing around.

Which pebble I speak of,
Are you sure you wanna hear?
That pebble is our friendship,
Yet I hold you oh so dear.

And I’m sure you do too.
BECAUSE I make you feel that way,
Too bad you ain’t reciprocating,
Otherwise this, I wouldn’t have to say.

You should be the cure,
Not suffering in disguise.
I thought you were here to heal,
And not cause pain in my life.

I so want us to be,
And I wish that you wouldn’t strife,
Cause every time you’re not there,
Your absence maims my life.

Yes I am harsh,
With the words I use today,
Every action has a reaction,
Do I need more to say?

And after hurting you,
I’ll still come and cry,
And ask you for forgiveness,
Seeing that tear in your eye.

Perplexity to you,
Apparently is fun,
Wonder how you’d feel,
If someone did it to you hun?

Hmm… what do you make of it when I say I need my time? 100% said that I need to be alone with myself… not if you think about it on another level (like I am). Why would I ask you such a question? If you can answer that then you know exactly what I mean. And it’s not like you don’t know, you know but either you are a little too busy to deal with such thoughts or find such thoughts irrelevant to answer or ponder upon. So I guess I won’t ask, forgive me for doing so as well. This is my final apology to you. Maybe all you need me to do is keep you happy and smiling all the while, which I will still do UNCODITIONALLY. Firstly because it make me happy when I see you smile and secondly because maybe I know what you mean when you say, ‘I need my time.’

Hmm… what am I thinking about right now? I ponder over a sequence of events that have occurred today and wonder about whether I may have done the right thing? Or may have not done the right thing? Quite frankly I am lost. Today when I sit to think of my personality I wonder who I am. Everyone changes based on their surroundings or situation in order to survive. Some even try to adapt. We exist today because of our primal instinct of change and adaptation.

Change = an event that occurs when something passes from one state or phase to another
Adapt = conform oneself to new or different conditions

Does that mean change results in adaptation? Or is adaptation kind of like a reflex to change? Or is change actually adaptation? Honestly, I don’t know whether I am supposed to change or adapt given a situation. There are times where it demands that I change and there are times where it demands that I adapt. Just trying to figure out what needs to be done gets me all confused. I don’t even know if I am making sense right now. I feel like I don’t know who I really am anymore. When I ask people who I am to them I get… you are a nice guy, very sweet, understanding, caring, loving, comforting, jovial, fun, easy going, charming etc. (btw these are the terms that I have heard more than I can count so I am not boasting) But those same people say that I can be difficult, very bad, not understanding, mean, stubborn, etc (yes these too are the terms that I have heard a couple of times but they are countable. However these I have heard the least… still not boasting). So what do I do given the later half of the situation? (the bad part of being difficult and all that jazz) Do I change or adapt? If I change, I result into someone I am not. If I adapt then again I am resulting into someone I am not. Either ways I am going to evolve into someone I am not, but yet I sit to think about whether I am supposed to change or adapt. They say change is good and they say that change isn’t good as well (this being with reference to the person that you are). When confronted on that statement they re-arrange the sentence by adding a new line saying that A little change is good and too much of a change is bad. So how much is a little and how much is too much, that is what I would like to know. Why does life get so confusing at times I wonder? It is fun they say, that’s how one should live their life… by having fun. Agreed! One must enjoy themselves in their journey through life. But at the same time not everything is all fun and games. Hmmm… today has been a very stressful day indeed. The only time I actually felt elevated from my troubles is when I looked into the dark midnight sky and saw the stars. Anyways I am sleepy and I’m going to sleep and try not to think about this… at least for now.

We kind of celebrated Children’s Day. I pushed it one step towards stupidity. I kinda put on some lip stick and went on a kissing spree. Too bad I only managed to get 4 of them. 2 guys and 2 girls (no names sorry). Anyways Happy Children’s Day to who ever reads this post. By the way the girlfriend only wrote the words and that's my smooch mark on his back.

Wow. I didn’t know that I actually had so much of anger suppressed inside of me. Not that I let it all out today but it kind of surfaced when I spoke to a friend. For some strange reason I try to seek comfort when bothered most. What bother’s me is – ME! Apparently I have become my own worst enemy and I need to get that turned around. In addition to which I’ve been too busy wasting my time over issues that matter a lot to me but apparently now isn’t the time to be dealing with them issues. On the 11th of November 2006 I went for a bike ride to Panvel at some “Dhabba”. Boy it was cold and my hands went numb. In addition to which I kinda touched 110Kmph on my brothers CBZ. Not the wisest thing that I would have done seeing as how I was cold and, ESPECIALLY when the person behind you is the one most dear to you. Sorry Rice but henceforth I’ll stick to 50Kmph wherever we go. The ride was nice with Rice ;) I was riding on my way back home today and was enjoying the 40Kmph ride back. The weather’s getting cooler and Christmas is fast approaching. My worries still grip the best of me and I so want to get that out the door before Christmas. There are a few things that do linger in my head and now since I want to hit the sack I’m just going to stop here for the day. If it gets the best of me I’ll post. Infact I’ll be doing a lot of it.

I like the way you laugh,
I like the way you stare,
I like the way you make me dream,
Every time you’re not there.

I like the way you hurt me,
And confuse me till the core,
I like the way you put up with me,
Even when I’m such a bore.

I’d wish I knew what’s on your mind,
Every time you look that way,
And when I stop to question you,
You’ll just be silent and sway.

I like the conversations we do have,
That lasts till we depart,
Wish that we could sit right there,
And time wouldn’t tear us apart.

I feel this joy that was once lost,
And now I’ve found again,
So here's my little sonnet to you,
Saying Thank You Rice my friend.

I went for Garfield 2. What a lovely movie. I like it because of Odie more than Garfield. Overall the movie was nice but I love ODIE!!! He’s such an adorable, cuddly doggie. A must watch for people who love their dogs. I’m gonna go for the movie again. Garfield The Movie (the first movie) was even more hilarious with Odie doing his little hind leg dance. I LOVE YOU ODIE!!! I mean no matter how bad Garfield treats him, he still loves Garfield and tolerates his acts with a smile. (Hmmm!!! I too seem to be doing something similar with someone I know.. >=D....) That dog’s expressions were caught on camera perfectly. I love dogs. They truly are man’s best friend. I cannot picture my life without having a pet dog. I’ve always had a pet dog ever since I can remember. Yeah it gets devastating when they have to depart into the spiritual world. That’s the hardest part for me.

They say in friendship you share everything - your joy, your sorrow, your ups and your downs. Me - I push it one step further - I’ll even share a cold with you. I always wanted to do something weird and so I did. Apparently the one from whom I was supposed to get a cold from, didn’t infect me completely. When I sit to think about it, I can’t actually recall when was the last time I fell ill. Nothing significant happening these days. Life’s becoming a drag. I have got down to studies and I just want these exams to get over with so that I can chill for Christmas. When I think about Christmas it just gets me all excited. I LOVE CHRISTMAS… it’s my favourite festival and winter is my favourite season. Can’t wait…

I am feeling a little sad and hurt inside… I wonder what does one do when something bothers them deep inside. Do they keep it to themselves or speak to someone about it so that it helps them feel better or find a solution? Different people – different opinions. I fear telling someone what I truly feel inside cause the one person who I’d like to say them to would probably be the wrong one. I could try but then again I know what the outcome of the conversation would be, so I’ll skip it. I’m gonna take this opportunity to deal with my own issues with myself rather than having someone tell me what to do. I mean after all I am in charge of my own life. If I need help then I’ll learn to help myself. On the other side I’m also trying to build up my tolerance, patients and suppress my anger levels. There are something’s that people say that really upset and disturb me a lot but I don’t tell them. Cause when I do then they feel that I’m being either stupid about it or I’m just too emotional. (so much for respecting me and my feelings) Anyways I ain’t gonna fret. So I’ll just build up on the tolerance levels so that tomorrow they can say whatever they want and it won’t affect me. The world can be a cruel place and I ain’t as cruel as the world is. I ain’t about that…

Little Man is a nice movie. I enjoyed the movie and not to mention the company I went with was great as well >=) girl you know who you are!!! Shoutout to my girl,"Thank You! It's been a while since I have actually re-lived moments like the ones shared yesterday." (Not that the other moments didn't have any value. They sure do.) Haven’t walked on the beach for a while now and haven’t gone to Aksa beach in a very, very long time. Did just about all that yesterday. I’ve been tryin to watch “Dune” (an old sci-fi movie) but haven’t actually sat through the entire movie. Let’s see what am I doing right now? We’ll I’m off to watch “Dune”. Boy I'm feeling a little dazzed. Yesterday ended pretty well also. There was a special dinner at 01:30 in the morning. It’s been a while since I’ve had dinner with a special friend that late in the night. Shoutout to Munchie, ”Missed you during the whole separation period. And I’m glad that I’m with you just like what we were before. Happy to know that we are still close friends. And for that I thank you!!”

If I fell in love with YOU,
Would YOU promise to be true?
And help ME understand,
'Cause I've been in love before,
And I've found that love is more,
That just holding hands.

If I give MY heart to YOU,
I must be sure from the very start,
That YOU would love ME more than "her".

If I trust in YOU, oh please,
Don’t run and hide,
If I love YOU too, oh please,
Don’t hurt MY pride like "her".

'Cause I couldn't stand the pain,
And I would be sad,
If OUR new love was in vain.

So I hope YOU see, that I,
Would love to love YOU!
And that "she" will cry,
When "she" learns WE are two.

'Cause I couldn't stand the pain,
And I would be sad,
If OUR new love was in vain.

So I hope YOU see, that I,
Would love to love YOU!
And that "she" will cry,
When "she" learns WE are two.
If I fell in love with YOU?