I am making progress on the path I tread but its like walking in the fog. No clue about where I am? Everything around me is unclear. It is cold out here and inside my mind emptiness and loneliness run around like they are here to stay. More unanswered questions, more disturbing thoughts, more distress and more eeriness grips my senses with every breath of air I inhale. I sense an eventful outcome that'll bring joy and sorrow together, lurking amongst the shadows. Feel like I am forsaken and find no solace in my disturbed state of existence. Father! Forgive me. Thank you father for the warmth you bestowed upon me whilst in your arms. It gave me strength, it gave me peace, it gave me love, it gave me time, it gave me space, it gave me joy, it gave me rest, it gave me support, it gave me faith, it gave me… life!

It’s so easy for my emotions to be unnerved, and then the thought of whether I am actually strong comes as a reality check. Another teary eyed morning, another sense of eeriness lurks amidst my thoughts, scaring the very fabric that holds me together, my strength. What makes me weak? Is it the past that I keep reminding myself about time and time again? Maybe it is, but somehow I can’t seem to let it go. I want to cry but for some strange reason after the episode of tears are over, I look upon myself with disrespect and selfpity (btw this holds true only for myself as this isn’t how I feel when it comes to other people. I don’t look at others with disrespect when they cry, I can’t do that to others but I can do that to myself). I have this attitude that I cannot cry as it’ll make me weak. Crying achieves nothing; it’s just your body’s reaction to an emotionally painful experience. Laughing has its perks that aids in the bodies functionality, but what does crying do… hmmm… I wonder?

Does your mind go apathetic when it comes to me? Over time, does the enthusiasm level diminish? Are connections once held strong by the bonds of trust, which withstood the tests of time, severed? Are the pressures, crunches and ordeals that I face, monotonic in nature? Or have I made them monotonic? I wouldn’t mind adopting apathy at this stage in my life because every emotion of happiness isn’t embraced. I am fevered every time loved ones are around yet the freedom of expression is curtailed either by words or actions. I wonder who I am. Sometimes I can't recognise the face I see in the mirror. Each new day now, comes as an extension of my depression swallowing my spirit and trapping my soul. Yet I continue treading my path of existence devoid of self-satisfaction.

Understanding and Comprehending. Apparently these two words are bothering me to the core for the past 2-3 weeks. I understand, but at the same time I’m not sure whether I do. I comprehend and yet am unable to comprehend. Very tempted to give up because I’ve actually had enough, yet I battle on and do my best to resist that temptation as I stroll down a path filled with frustration, bewilderment and turmoil on every turn. Helplessness seems to be the only one around for support and much to my dismay I have embraced it. Strength, Peace of mind and Comfort are dreams on the distant horizon which will probably dissolve like the setting sun and I’ll stand at the shore with a dying hope of the sun to rise again. Darkness clouds my heart as it goes weary with time. I feel choked and suffocate, desperately trying to gasp for a fresh breath of air to revive my drooping spirit. Deeper and deeper I fall into the abyss of misery, wonder who, what and when will it all end. Unable to express, my emotions are running dry. My cheerful zeal withers like the leaves of a magnificent oak far from the end of its existence.

Yeah it’s that time again when sorrow fills my heart and the pain is unbearable =( I don’t quite understand things and I wonder if I ever will. Now I’ve been battling this for a very long time and I thought, as time went by I’d get stronger, alas that isn’t the case. I seriously can’t understand what’s hurting inside, and I wonder whether I deserve this punishment? Maybe I’m just paranoid about things. My life, my future… but then again I’m on the right course and I’m getting places that I had never gone before. I am happy with where I am but then again am I happy? There’s an absence I feel. What am I looking for? Maybe I want something more? Or maybe I’ve got way too much to handle at the moment? Yeah I can say that I’m a little overwhelmed with issues and a few people around me. I find it a little funny when I think about it, because something that happened shouldn’t matter in the present, isn’t it? It’s strange how the past resurfaces. Sometimes it brings back happiness or sorrow or both together or one followed by the other. Each of them have their own value when reminiscing. Some prefer to remember the good times and move on whereas some prefer to remember the bad times so that they don’t make the same mistakes again. When I think of the past I don’t know on which side I’m supposed to be on. Cause to me they both appear to be the same. Or do they? I mean I can think about the good times and / or the bad times and be happy / sad about it at the same time. Maybe that’s the issue. I’m unable to analyze things properly or maybe I’m having an issue choosing. I live a simple life and wonder how things get so complicated in an instant? Maybe I’m still immature and have a lot to learn? But then again I can understand things equally well; it’s just swallowing the truth and practicality that I’m having an issue with. I know I can be practical and handle the truth… or am I just fooling myself?